“No matter how apparently smart or confident, each child is still a child first and foremost, with all the anxieties that go with being young, vulnerable, and inexperienced in life.”  (*)

Kids who have a positive perspective about the ups and downs of daily life are better able to stretch themselves cognitively, creatively, productively, and socially. Those who are able to manage their emotions are stronger for it. They’re ready to welcome learning experiences. To ask questions. And, to discover new, creative, and comprehensive ways of thinking about the world around them.

Regardless of age, personal growth is about competencies and opportunities—but it’s also about how a person feels when doing things; that is, when actually exercising those competencies, and experiencing those learning opportunities. And, because there’s a harmonious interplay between how kids feel and what they do, their emotional needs should not be overlooked when thinking about how to support their intellectual development, skill-building efforts, creativity, or overall well-being.

 Eight Practical Tips for Parents

“Emotions, from the Latin root movere, “to move,” are what stir us into action. As a beacon of light guides a lost ship, emotions guide our behaviors.”  (**)

Emotional literacy is a fundamental aspect of healthy child development. The following suggestions are for parents who are seeking to help kids strengthen their emotional capacities:  

1. Be aware. Pay attention to children’s reactions and behaviors (such as acting out, depression, aggression, procrastination, arrogance, or introversion). Parents who are attuned to their children, and aware of what they’re up to—and with whom—are better positioned to help them respond to challenges and any emotional upheavals.
2. Identify causes. Help kids recognize the causes that underlie the feelings they’re experiencing. (For example, fear, guilt, joy, embarrassment, jealousy, confusion, disgust, grief, hope, frustration…) Encourage them to name and to acknowledge those feelings in order to gain self-awareness. They may want to choose the time or place. Some children have trouble putting feelings into words, so be prepared to help them with that. Stories can be good catalysts, and drawing or journaling can also be beneficial.
3. Communicate. Talking about emotions with others can be an effective way to deal with them. So be available to chat with kids. Listen carefully to what they have to say. Offer comfort. Rephrase what they tell you so you can be sure you’re on the same wavelength. Share your own experiences (within reason) with feelings like shame, sadness, or disappointment, including how you managed them. Be patient. Don’t rush, or attempt to diminish children’s concerns, or gloss over them. Sometimes children’s venting, crying, silence, or quarreling represent their first steps toward coming to terms with their emotions. Give them the time and space they need to put their feelings in perspective, and to then learn to regulate them.
4. Value self-reflection. Model and reiterate the benefits of thinking things through. For example, you might choose to think about how or why certain circumstances or events are unfolding as they are, ways in which similar situations might be handled in the future, and the potential impact of different sorts of behaviors (such as antagonism or withdrawal), or attitudes (such as anger, happiness, or worry). Children may need relaxation, unstructured play, fewer demands, music, or alone time in order to calm down, get a handle on what they’re feeling, and consolidate their thoughts.
5. Encourage resilience. Help children develop the ability to deal effectively—and creatively—with setbacks, and also with changes and transition times. For more on this, click here. Sometimes kids have trouble accepting their limitations. Other times situations may become rocky, and the resultant feelings (such as nervousness, excitement, or doubt), can be intense, or hard to manage. Children may require extra support to know that it’s okay to have these feelings, and that they can be reconciled.  
6. Foster relationships. Good relationships can be buoyant, whereas difficult ones can be upsetting. Because relationships with family and friends affect the way we feel, it’s important to encourage children to forge solid connections, to learn about give-and-take and conflict resolution, and to develop and use strategies that will keep interactions on an even keel. Friendships can also be very supportive. However, relationship-building involves social skills. Parents can help children hone these skills by ensuring they have ample opportunities for active play, sharing, appreciation of diversity, consistent routines, collaboration, role-playing, and lots of peer and family connectivity.
7. Consider self-esteem. Children often face uncertainties, have to cope with competitive environments or situations, or meet difficult expectations. Many kids struggle with confidence. Help them believe in themselves. Their self-regard is based on many factors—and these factors may be internal, external, big, small, anticipated, unforeseen, and so on. Reinforcement and encouragement from parents can go a long way toward strengthening children’s self-esteem, and instilling feelings such as optimism and relief.
8. Remember the givens. There are certain non-negotiables that fortify children’s emotional development and sustain their well-being. For example, safety. Unconditional love. Sensible, fair guidance. Connectivity. Honesty. Understanding of and respect for their feelings.

It’s important that children receive the right kinds of supports at home, school, and within their communities in order to foster their experiential strengths and emotional literacy. When children’s emotional development is nurtured and reinforced, they’re more likely to feel good about themselves. And, those positive feelings are enabling, so kids can focus more fully on learning, interacting, creating, and succeeding. Helping children build upon their essential emotional capacities will enrich their lives and empower them—motivating them now, and into the future.

(*) Quote extracted from Being Smart about Gifted Education by Dona Matthews and Joanne Foster, p. 241, (2009).

(**) Quote extracted from Social and Emotional Development in Early Intervention by Mona Delahooke, p. 1, (2017).

Additional Resources

For more information on topics related to this article visit www.beyondintelligence.net and see Beyond Intelligence: Secrets for Raising Happily Productive Kids, as well as Being Smart about Gifted Education (by Dona Matthews and Joanne Foster) And, for suggestions on motivating children and helping them tap their capacities to the fullest, check out Joanne’s book Not Now, Maybe Later.

Principles from Psychology to Enhance Pre-K to 12 Teaching and Learning highlights 20 key learning principles. The document has been prepared by the American Psychological Association for use by educators but it is of interest to parents, too. There are five areas of focus related to functioning: thinking and learning, motivation, social emotional learning, classroom management, and assessment. Points 13, 14, and 15 address social/emotional concerns. 

Mona Delahooke is a clinical and consulting pediatric psychologist who works with families, and specializes in early child development. Her website contains resources as well as a blog with many interesting articles. https://www.monadelahooke.com

In Chapter 5 of Raise your Kids Without Raising Your Voice (2006), author Sarah Chana Radcliffe discusses emotional coaching as a means of positively affecting children’s security and behaviors, and strengthening parent-child bonds. To find out about other pertinent topics within the book, and to receive daily parenting posts with tips for family cohesiveness go to http://sarahchanaradcliffe.com.

Eileen Kennedy-Moore and Christine McLaughlin wrote a book for children about making friends, with lots of ideas to help kids develop social skills and meaningful peer connections. Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends comes out in June 2017. In the meantime, children can visit the Dr. Friendtastic website.

Children will enjoy listening to Raffi’s new song Take a Breath (The Self-Reg Song). The words and the melody are calming, designed to help children regain a sense of well-being when they’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure of themselves.

Stuart Shankar’s work on self-regulation provides a basis for Raffi Cavoukian’s above-noted song. Dr. Shanker’s book about self-regulation, and its relationship to experience, is entitled Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life (2016). For information about helping kids understand stress and manage energy, see his blog.

Nancy Kopman composes music that helps young children recognize and embrace their feelings. Nancy's user-friendly website contains links to songs for rest and relaxation that can be soothing for kids when they’re feeling over-stimulated or stressed. 

Marilyn Price-Mitchell focuses on awareness, resilience, empathy, and other core abilities. Go to the Roots of Action website to learn about the Compass Advantage model, and the eight attributes that are integral to child development.

Here is an interesting article from the New York Times on what one school in the US is doing to help kids alleviate stress—by using rocks. It seems to be a creative and an effective approach to lifting spirits. (Plus there are other great tips for parents…)

For additional articles on topics about children’s intelligence, productivity, and creativity, check out the column Fostering Kids’ Success under the education banner at The Creativity Post.